The Queen Bee Syndrome
The world of work is a thoroughly confusing and mysterious place to be. Particularly if you are female. We women have fought many battles for many, many years. We’ve fought for the vote. We fought for control over our fertility. We have fought for equal pay. Generations of women have collectively banded together to fight for their rights and freedoms. But put women together in the workplace, where there are promotions and salary increases at stake and women turn into ‘Mean Girls’. Stand back and let the catfight between them begin.
Now I know that the ladies/girls/females among you will have taken what I just said on board, taken a sharp gasp of breath and gone ‘No, this is wrong. I don’t do that’. Women don’t scrabble to knock others out of the way and then step over the dead bodies in their desperate bid to get to the top. We support each other and try to help each other. We want each other to advance.’ And I agree. Not all women are like that. But a lot are. I sadly speak from about twenty odd years of personal experience of being on the other end of the most unsupportive and undermining behaviour I have ever come across. Women have both perpetuated the worst of it and the majority of it.
Those women have belittled and disparaged me. I’ve seen others who have suffered to. On one occasion, I remember finding a female colleague of mine, curled up in a ball on the floor under her desk, crying, after her female supervisor yelled at her about (what she had concluded) was her incompetence and failure. The attacks on me, though never physical, felt as if they were. They were deeply personal too. They hurt. One particular woman used to behave towards me as if she were trying to perform some form of torture. I used to wonder if, as a girl, she had spent her time catching spiders and pulling off their legs individually, whilst chuckling with happiness. It was very disturbing how much genuine pleasure she seemed to get from making others feel so miserable and uncomfortable.
It’s not only been in the workplace. At one point during my children’s time at primary school, I clearly remember the school PTA becoming known as just another branch of the Mean Girl’s Club. They didn’t let anyone in who they didn’t like (i.e., who weren’t already part of their little gang) and woe betide you if you actually wanted to help them out and your face didn’t fit with them. I found out the very hard way that my assistance was not required – this despite me not actually knowing anyone and offering to become involved out of no other reason than kindness. I never bothered to try again.
The media is also full of it. Women stabbing each other in the back. Think of ‘Wagatha Christie’. Think about Tess and Claudia from Strictly. If the online papers were to be believed (as well as social media), you’d believe that they are at each other’s throats every Saturday night, throwing each other disapproving sideways glances and making sly comments to sources who then brief this to journalists to run the stories of internal rows and gossip.
So is this just a perception or is it the reality? Does Queen Bee Syndrome really exist?
My own time in the world of work has shown me that it is a reality. I accept not everywhere but it happens all too frequently. I have been bullied by the very women who were supposed to be supporting me and guiding me. Instead, they undermined my confidence in my ability to do a good job and stopped me from being promoted. If I dared to challenge bad practices or dubious decisions that were being made, I was informed that I was in the wrong and my sanity questioned.
It was horrible. I had foul indirect aggression directed at me. However, every single one of those women who did this completely underestimated me. Why? Because I saw through them. I saw them for what they really were. It hurt at the time but I chose to not to allow them to have any form of power over me and my thinking. And I never allowed them to make me give up or to prevent me from showing them up for what they were.
Madeleine Albright once said ‘There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other.’ I agree with that. My other hope is that it is truly hot down there. I come back to the first things I said here: women have fought for so much over so much time – and yet when we get together, whether it be in employment or in any organisation there is always at least one female that feels that instead of using their power to help others to advance they have to hold them back.
I put a lot of this down to fear; the fear of being found out; or maybe the fear of being found not to be as good as they would like you to believe. Perhaps it is the fear of being replaced. Or it might just downright fear. It does not excuse it though.
There is also the perception that this is rife everywhere, when it isn’t. Back to Tess and Claudia. I was listening to Claudia on the radio not so long ago. She then introduced Tess and described her as being like her sister. Then Claudia said that, mostly, all the two of them did when they met up and chatted, was talked about the kids; how they were, why they were worried about them and so on. Just like friends would. So whilst everyone thinks of them as rivals, they aren’t. They are probably just like the rest of us, helping each other through their working day. The only difference being that their days have more sequins and glitter than most.
There are also reports that in places where there are more women working together, there is less harassment, more organisational support and the pay gap is smaller. If you are lucky enough to be able to work in those environments, hold onto it.
The conniving and divisiveness really does exist. That is sad. It’s time for it to stop now. It’s time for us women to stop knocking each other. Why do we find it so hard to be supportive? We all have great qualities and would be so much stronger if we could work together. The adage that we are better together than apart really is true. For anyone who is suffering from bullying or harassment, you do not have to put up with it. There are better places to be and you can find them. Don’t give up. It isn’t you. It really is them.
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