Help! I’m a Perfectionist…

Confession: I’m not a perfectionist. Of course, there are some things I’m very picky about. We all have our own standards, ways of doing things that keeps us in our comfort zone.  That doesn’t make us right, though. If we try and be perfect in everything, we’re attempting the impossible. We burn out, make ourselves ill and constantly beat ourselves up for failing. We need to find a better way.

We’ve talked on the podcast about being good enough and Thomas Curran’s book, The Perfection Trap which rightly points the finger at the world we live in and calls for societal change. I promised Em that, even though I’m not a perfectionist, I would try to identify some ideas for practical action points an individual can take.

Acceptance

There are two things we need to accept: Firstly, ourselves. Whether you like or not, you’re a mere human who makes mistakes, gets ill, makes mistakes, forgets things… the list is endless.  We all do. To expect otherwise is setting yourself up for constant disappointment and failure. Why do that? I know this is easier said than done but we can’t be content unless we learn to accept ourselves for who we are. 

Secondly, the world we live in. I like the way Thomas Curran explains that much of what we see is a set of man-made ideas to grow the economy, designed to make you spend money to get the perfect home or face.  You can either reframe how you see the world  –  it’s an advert you don’t need to buy into, accept it for what it is – or you can withdraw from it some of the time to reset your sanity. I’d go for a bit of both.

Deficit Thinking

This means you are always focusing on the gap between what you have achieved and perfection (and probably an idealised, unrealistic view of perfection) rather than the awesome stuff you did do. This is a recipe for anxiety and lack of self esteem. 

Instead, make yourself notice what you did do. If you had ten tasks on your job list and you did nine, that’s 90%! That would get you an A* or distinction in any exam. I’d celebrate that.

What if you only do two of the tasks?  It’s still more than none Failing sometimes makes us human. It’s normal. Forgiving ourselves is part of acceptance. Try to look at it rationally. Was the plan too ambitious? Did you have to do something else? Were you unwell?  Examine the causes, learn form it and move on. Don’t dwell on it.

 Don’t tell yourself you’ve failed or should have done better. Tell yourself you did your best and be proud of what you did achieve. Keep going until you’ve retrained your brain.

Choose your thing

If being a perfectionist is in your nature, it may be too much to let it all go. How about choosing which areas of your life your will strive for high standards, and those where you allow yourself to ease up? This will give you time to let your perfectionism let rip, and hopefully you will learn that the earth doesn’t stop turning if you loosen your grip in other areas. 

Identify WGLL

One of the dangers of perfectionism is that we’re not rational about what is achievable, given that we’re mere mortals. WGLL means What Good Looks Like.  Instead of have ridiculously high standards, find out what is achievable given the time and resources you have available and stick to it.  I used to have a boss that would constantly say ‘You can’t build a Rolls Royce if you’re being funded for a Mini.’ She was right. We need to work within our means, whether that is time, energy or money. We need to be realistic.

Limit your triggers

What gives you the idea that everyone else has a perfect life, and you’re the only one that can’t balance books while feeding a child and arranging giant lilies effortlessly?  Insta? Facebook? TV?  Your own fertile imagination?  If a platform or place is making you feel inadequate, limit your consumption, and when you do visit, take it with a pinch of salt. Usually the posters are struggling as much as you underneath the shiny veneer. I’ll discuss these ideas with Em (she’s a self-confessed perfectionist) to get her thoughts and see if she’ll try them. We’ll report any successes. Watch this space!

You can read our Blogs ‘Be Good Enough‘ and ‘What’s Wrong With Good Enough‘, and listen to our podcast episodes where we talk more about perfectionism.